A Bachelor’s Best Friend - III

Let us now move our focus to some ‘originally’ Indian content. When one is alone and not really on a ‘high’, a joint of desi comedy is always a welcome relief. Yes, the reference here is to the series “Comedy Circus” and its other affiliated cousins. The positive of the show is that it has given birth to a good number of comedy stars who continue to bring a few laughs in our otherwise sadistic lives. Of course, a comedy show that it is, its biggest star happens to be not the participants or the judges or even the anchors, but a very unlikely candidate in the form of Surinder paaji – the chic wielder of the tabla! If the comedy shows were to be a Ram Gopal Varma movie, then Surinder would be without any doubt, the central character i.e. blood/ghost, depending upon the genre! That brings us to the irrefutable conclusion that with a turban-brandishing Sardar, nothing is impossible! Then there is the ever consistent judge Archana Puran Singh – her laughter remains the same whether there is a joke or not! Given the kind of jokes that have been made on her, she may have to actually undergo a sex-determination examination, just to be sure herself. Then there is Rohit Shetty who himself recycles PJs and KJs in his movies, yet finds it difficult to laugh at other’s jokes. And not to forget Shekhar Suman who finds himself in an identity crisis these days. Contrary to what his perceived image of an untiring playboy (not ‘boy’ exactly) would connote, the poor guy had to actually join a dance show to get a girl! Thanks to the comedy show in particular, Indian audiences have finally embraced the idea of anchors having talents other than anchoring. Not to mention the need for participants to engage in cross-dressing to generate laughter – a definite means of expression for the gay community in a society that is hell bent on making their lives even more miserable than it already is!

Then there is the case of movie superstars stepping away from the silver screen to the idiot box for short interludes in an effort to bring their 70 mm charisma to our TV sets. The result – while the viewer is promised the Eiffel Tower, we end up with a Chinese knock-off toy of the Eiffel tower or worse – a local non-biodegradable plastic replica of the same! With varying degrees of success, superstars and stars-in-the-making have burnt their fingers in the television world. With the rare exception of Kaun Banega Crorepati, similar superstar shows have provided nothing more than fodder to be played and replayed in C-grade news channels and India TV/India Live (the Death Eaters of the television world). Of course, there is Bigg Boss, where the lesser the words and analysis, the better it is for maintaining ones sanity. Human beings aren’t manufactured any dumber than Dolly Bindra, Rahul Mahajan and some of the other previous ‘inmates’ of the house. In fact, if one were to browse through the entire list of Bigg Boss contestants and pick the dumbest 11 in a team, India would retain the Dumbest Homosapiens World Cup trophy for the next decade, at least!

Not to forget another seasonal diet of the poor singleton – sports! A guy cannot call himself a ‘man’ if he hasn’t at some time enjoyed the adrenalin rush from WWE. You see, just because Santa Claus isn’t real, do kids stop asking Santa to bring them gifts for Christmas? A big NO! So is the case with wrestling. Then there are these other seasonal fruits in the form of Football, Tennis, Hockey and Badminton (a recent development in the light of the blossoming Saina). Of course, a national religion that it is, let’s not miss out on mentioning the source of the bulk of the nutritional fibre – cricket. If not for anything else, I make it a point to watch them at least to partake of the nuggets of wisdom from the one and only Sherry Paa! Digesting them is a completely different ball game though! With the exception of Albert Einstein if he were alive, who else could so comprehensively summarize the recently held IPL 4 Auctions in so few words – “There were two things in abundance in the auction room: ignorance and stupidity.” End of discussion.

PS: Though I do not necessarily consider it as a TV show, I feel obliged to make a brief reference to another program for the simple reason that I cannot really classify it into any specific category. This ‘bitter gourd’ happens to be ****** Ka Insaaf (the same She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named). Much as I would like to hate this double-breasted silicone chicken, I find it occasionally tempting to mentally jerk off to this program. If there is a God above, he/she will be frantically repenting for this major boob (slip-up) in creation. And God that he/she is, I would hope that this costly mistake is certainly not repeated. Anyway, in a welcome relief from the TV set, I have a heavenly representative from the Middle East waiting for me, hidden in the ‘Bhajan’ subfolder of the ‘Spiritual’ folder under the ‘Personal Documents’ of my friend’s laptop. Happy Bachelorhood! So eat healthy, sleep healthy and more importantly watch healthy! Adios.

A Bachelor’s Best Friend - II

Let us now direct our attention to the carbs and proteins of the TV world that keep the bachelor in the pink of health. For the English speaking population, there is the eternal source of entertainment aka Star World & Zee Cafe. There are two major benefits of channels such as these:

• You stay in touch with ‘the dude’ in yourself, in spite of crumbling circumstances all around
• You can catch up with the sitcoms that entertained the Western world, a decade later! As they say, better late than never...

Whether it is the evergreen F.R.I.E.N.D.S or the ever-‘blue’ Two and a Half Men, there is something in it for the average male/female. Whether it is the 10-season repeat or re-repeat of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the singletons make it a point to religiously watch the entire show. It is another thing that secretly they connect with one or more of the characters and wish their lives would have some semblance to the events on the show. Of course, when it comes to Two and a Half Men, the guys stand to benefit from the show, more than the gals. Every guy thinks that he has it in him to live his life like the character Charlie Harper. What reaffirms his faith on himself is that Charlie, in his real life, does live life on that ‘blue’ edge. However, much like the fox and the sour grapes story, the bachelor ends up blaming his ‘definitely-not-happening’ life by stating that Indian girls are more traditional than modern, in their thinking and otherwise!

Then comes the dose of How I Met Your Mother. Definitely innovative in its concept packaging, it makes every guy want to create a similar story of his own life, of how he meets the to-be-mother of their to-be-children. What serves as the major dampener is that most of these unattached folks have insufficient characters in their real life to make the story, especially the female ones! Then there is the LEGENDARY Barney Stinson – the very embodiment of ‘AWESOME’-ness, who does manage to convince every single guy that one can flick between chicks the way his character manages to. And then, like in a cruel movie twist, they get to know that in real life the Barney Stinson actor is happily gay, and the beautiful glass castle that they had envisioned comes crashing down!

Then there is The Big Bang Theory, which with a partial angle of science in it, clearly marks out its audience. As you may have already guessed, it definitely does not include people who fanatically keep at least a distance of 10 feet from science. From the remaining population, one third of the viewers watch the show because they are nerds, the next third watch because they love to make fun of the nerds and the final third watch simply for the girls that flock the nerds! In fact, this last group firmly believes that the ‘Langoor ke haath mein Angoor’ theory of matchmaking gets proven beyond doubt in shows such as these.

Then comes a page out of every Bachelor’s secret fantasy – the show, The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. Though way more infinitely distinguished from its ripped-off (read as inspired) Indian version of ****** ka Swayamvar (She-who-must-not-be-named), it does provide a window to the unhitched people to paint any picture they wish. Although at a philosophical level one could debate the rationale behind the decisions made, one cannot take away the fact that they do contribute substantially to the intellectual fodder of a guy/girl, at least as far as the dating ritual goes.

Of course, Star World’s desi representative does try to keep pace with the exacting standards of the videshi content through Koffee with Karan. It must be noted that even his movies put together have not kept Karan Johar in the Page 3 news as much as the chat show has managed. Just to clarify, Karan is originally a movie Director and contrary to what you would like to believe – definitely NOT Deepika’s uncle! Whether it is the Deepika-Sonam bitching or the Ranbir bashing or the Kareena-Priyanka tic-tac-toe, every Sunday evening telecast has managed to keep the Bombay times and headlines of Mumbai Mirror in print, for weeks thereafter. Not to mention that gals these days have another great gift to give to their exes – a pack of condoms!

Since we are on the topic let me add that it is better to be safe than sorry. A rubber in time lets you shine. So for now let me say “Do Svidaniya!” Till we meet again... Play safe!

A Bachelor’s Best Friend - Part I

Gone are the days when people could, in reflecting mood, say that “A dog is a man’s best friend.” A dog, bitches included (no pun intended), may still be a lady’s best friend, but it definitely does not any longer top a man’s charts, except for men who are already married may be! So what exactly has replaced the centuries of blind faith and loyalty displayed by the canine species towards their human masters? A lot, or should I say very little? After all, sayings such as the one mentioned above seemed to have emerged from the wisdom of generations. But taking into account the way mankind has been making strides in various fields, I would not be surprised if we begin to prove a lot of the ancient wisdom obsolete – a crisis situation for the next generation. Who in God’s name would they believe? Sorry for the digression!

I firmly believe that a 21^st century bachelor’s best friend would have to be the good old idiot box. There it is, accept it or not, television has provided more entertainment to a single bachelor than anything else imaginable, dogs and bitches included (keeping it sex-discrimination free, that’s all – as clarified earlier, no pun intended)! A bachelor’s life, in spite of the perceived appeal outside of the group members, is not all that ‘cool’! Yes, the grass is always greener from the other side of the fence. Though, if you have had the opportunity to actually check out some ‘grass’, you would know that it is definitely not lush green! So let’s go ahead and take a sneak peek into the life and times of a bachelor in the 21^st century...

At the very outset, a bachelor’s life is so full of nothingness, a series of somethings that may almost add up to nothing – if one were to be brutally honest of course! Those of you who have attempted watching television on most days would find a striking similarity with the previous statement. So viewed in totality, it looks intrinsically natural that a bachelor would find meaning in a TV set. Let me take you through some of the contents from the TV set that gives bachelors the much needed entertainment in their otherwise ‘singular’ existence. Things that add ‘meaning’ to their lives!

Let’s begin with the New Year. Do you really think that going down to join the crowds at the Gateway of India/One Times Square/London Eye/Sydney Harbour Bridge or similar locations and watching displayed fireworks as mute spectators “happening”? Add to that the effort of inflicting jealousy on the poor bachelors by stating that kissing your “the loved one” at the stroke of midnight was “the way” to begin the New Year. No way in hell would that work! Just because you do something at the stroke of midnight does not in any way determine what you will continue to do throughout the year. Come on, let’s grow up! So then what should a 21^st century bachelor’s New Year eve plan be? Simple – could you think of anything that could be more stimulating than a drink on the left hand, a smoke joint on the right hand, with an occasional attempt to grab a piece of tandoori chicken, staring unabashedly at Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, drooling occasionally if the situation demanded? Forget the drink or the smoke or the unfortunate chicken! Victoria’s Secret Show by itself would be enough to take you the distance, no pun intended again:J

Another thing that features high on the ‘must-watch’ list of every aspiring ‘dude’ – Reality Shows. It doesn’t matter if it is Roadies, Splitsvilla, Dadagiri, Emotional Atyaachar, programs titled with a permutation of “Love”/“Date” or the zillion other apparently ‘unscripted reality shows’ that MTV and Channel V have been trying to recycle for decades and recent Indian channels have been desperately trying to ‘create’. Packaging, they say in Marketing circles, is the key in showbiz. For the aspiring masses it doesn’t really matter if the bottle contains genuine wine, as long as it reads wine on the covers – it works! So essentially it’s all about a bunch of boys and gals screaming (in varying degrees of intensity) profanities that range from home grown expletives such as B******** and M******** (pertaining to relatives) to imported honours such as S**, F*****and M*****F***** (Fresher, Junior and Senior respectively)! Young, aspiring starlets (both male and female) would go to any extent, literally any extent, to grab their share of TV bytes and attention. Middle aged, aspiring starlets (both male and female) would break personal records of stupidity while anchoring the shows, in an effort to land themselves a more respectable program or show. Anyway, all of this only works in tandem to serve up a spicy platter for the hip viewer – the aspiring dude! Zero risk taken but full benefits enjoyed, minimum pain and maximum gain – what a life!

Then there is the case of our Indian channels providing star dust on the small screen. Just like the rest of the world, the first quarter after the new year is dedicated to Awards and more awards. Even as Hollywood gathers up momentum for the Golden Globe awards, Bollywood in its own inimitable masala style prepares for a bevy of awards and celeb gatherings. Unlike the Hollywood awards which come once in a blue moon, rise up to a crescendo and disappear, Bollywood award shows seem to be eternally on an orgasmic climax, multiple times! In fact, right from the beginning of the year channels make it a point to provide new year shows with superstars, stars and starlets (unemployed folks to be precise) for weeks following the new year! For any person uninitiated about the Indian television way of celebrating new year would definitely be in a cultural shock viewing the new year celebrations in the month of February as well.

Then there are the award ceremonies where each channel presents its own set of awards for the cine world where the only logic stands as – “To win an award the star just needs to be present at the venue.” The only change required for the acceptance speech through the year would be to start the same by thanking the respective channel for honouring them. The rest of the speech would be a repeat rendition of the acceptance speech that every single actor prepares at the beginning of their careers, when they take their Actors Oath – “There are no limits to which I would be willing to stoop down.” And of course, there are other award ceremonies where, of late, the East is desperately trying to meet the West – The Oscars! Confused Indian actors frantically seek their share of media attention by providing their versions of things from the red carpet, imaginary or otherwise. The Oscar judges, with their own selfish objectives of getting themselves recognized as the leading global awards jury, throw open the red carpet to the wannabe world outside of Hollywood. And our desi actors will kill to fall for the bait. All in the name of showbiz!

Although I wish to continue, I refrain, because without any forewarning whatsoever, my cable operator unceremoniously had the cable connection cut because of intermittent power failure. The result – From doing almost nothing yet another bachelor has decided to completely do nothing! Chaio.