A Bachelor’s Best Friend - Part I

Gone are the days when people could, in reflecting mood, say that “A dog is a man’s best friend.” A dog, bitches included (no pun intended), may still be a lady’s best friend, but it definitely does not any longer top a man’s charts, except for men who are already married may be! So what exactly has replaced the centuries of blind faith and loyalty displayed by the canine species towards their human masters? A lot, or should I say very little? After all, sayings such as the one mentioned above seemed to have emerged from the wisdom of generations. But taking into account the way mankind has been making strides in various fields, I would not be surprised if we begin to prove a lot of the ancient wisdom obsolete – a crisis situation for the next generation. Who in God’s name would they believe? Sorry for the digression!

I firmly believe that a 21^st century bachelor’s best friend would have to be the good old idiot box. There it is, accept it or not, television has provided more entertainment to a single bachelor than anything else imaginable, dogs and bitches included (keeping it sex-discrimination free, that’s all – as clarified earlier, no pun intended)! A bachelor’s life, in spite of the perceived appeal outside of the group members, is not all that ‘cool’! Yes, the grass is always greener from the other side of the fence. Though, if you have had the opportunity to actually check out some ‘grass’, you would know that it is definitely not lush green! So let’s go ahead and take a sneak peek into the life and times of a bachelor in the 21^st century...

At the very outset, a bachelor’s life is so full of nothingness, a series of somethings that may almost add up to nothing – if one were to be brutally honest of course! Those of you who have attempted watching television on most days would find a striking similarity with the previous statement. So viewed in totality, it looks intrinsically natural that a bachelor would find meaning in a TV set. Let me take you through some of the contents from the TV set that gives bachelors the much needed entertainment in their otherwise ‘singular’ existence. Things that add ‘meaning’ to their lives!

Let’s begin with the New Year. Do you really think that going down to join the crowds at the Gateway of India/One Times Square/London Eye/Sydney Harbour Bridge or similar locations and watching displayed fireworks as mute spectators “happening”? Add to that the effort of inflicting jealousy on the poor bachelors by stating that kissing your “the loved one” at the stroke of midnight was “the way” to begin the New Year. No way in hell would that work! Just because you do something at the stroke of midnight does not in any way determine what you will continue to do throughout the year. Come on, let’s grow up! So then what should a 21^st century bachelor’s New Year eve plan be? Simple – could you think of anything that could be more stimulating than a drink on the left hand, a smoke joint on the right hand, with an occasional attempt to grab a piece of tandoori chicken, staring unabashedly at Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, drooling occasionally if the situation demanded? Forget the drink or the smoke or the unfortunate chicken! Victoria’s Secret Show by itself would be enough to take you the distance, no pun intended again:J

Another thing that features high on the ‘must-watch’ list of every aspiring ‘dude’ – Reality Shows. It doesn’t matter if it is Roadies, Splitsvilla, Dadagiri, Emotional Atyaachar, programs titled with a permutation of “Love”/“Date” or the zillion other apparently ‘unscripted reality shows’ that MTV and Channel V have been trying to recycle for decades and recent Indian channels have been desperately trying to ‘create’. Packaging, they say in Marketing circles, is the key in showbiz. For the aspiring masses it doesn’t really matter if the bottle contains genuine wine, as long as it reads wine on the covers – it works! So essentially it’s all about a bunch of boys and gals screaming (in varying degrees of intensity) profanities that range from home grown expletives such as B******** and M******** (pertaining to relatives) to imported honours such as S**, F*****and M*****F***** (Fresher, Junior and Senior respectively)! Young, aspiring starlets (both male and female) would go to any extent, literally any extent, to grab their share of TV bytes and attention. Middle aged, aspiring starlets (both male and female) would break personal records of stupidity while anchoring the shows, in an effort to land themselves a more respectable program or show. Anyway, all of this only works in tandem to serve up a spicy platter for the hip viewer – the aspiring dude! Zero risk taken but full benefits enjoyed, minimum pain and maximum gain – what a life!

Then there is the case of our Indian channels providing star dust on the small screen. Just like the rest of the world, the first quarter after the new year is dedicated to Awards and more awards. Even as Hollywood gathers up momentum for the Golden Globe awards, Bollywood in its own inimitable masala style prepares for a bevy of awards and celeb gatherings. Unlike the Hollywood awards which come once in a blue moon, rise up to a crescendo and disappear, Bollywood award shows seem to be eternally on an orgasmic climax, multiple times! In fact, right from the beginning of the year channels make it a point to provide new year shows with superstars, stars and starlets (unemployed folks to be precise) for weeks following the new year! For any person uninitiated about the Indian television way of celebrating new year would definitely be in a cultural shock viewing the new year celebrations in the month of February as well.

Then there are the award ceremonies where each channel presents its own set of awards for the cine world where the only logic stands as – “To win an award the star just needs to be present at the venue.” The only change required for the acceptance speech through the year would be to start the same by thanking the respective channel for honouring them. The rest of the speech would be a repeat rendition of the acceptance speech that every single actor prepares at the beginning of their careers, when they take their Actors Oath – “There are no limits to which I would be willing to stoop down.” And of course, there are other award ceremonies where, of late, the East is desperately trying to meet the West – The Oscars! Confused Indian actors frantically seek their share of media attention by providing their versions of things from the red carpet, imaginary or otherwise. The Oscar judges, with their own selfish objectives of getting themselves recognized as the leading global awards jury, throw open the red carpet to the wannabe world outside of Hollywood. And our desi actors will kill to fall for the bait. All in the name of showbiz!

Although I wish to continue, I refrain, because without any forewarning whatsoever, my cable operator unceremoniously had the cable connection cut because of intermittent power failure. The result – From doing almost nothing yet another bachelor has decided to completely do nothing! Chaio.