Posts
At the very outset, this is not yet another Rupa Frontline “Sabse Aage” competition. No sound human being could ever come up with an equally, if not more, abysmally pathetic advertisement for chaddi-banian! Of course, the slew of banian ads that have hit the television channels these days are increasingly making me question the sanity of the human race. Now that the intention is clear, let’s move on. The ATP (Association of Tennis Professionals) had been in the limelight for a couple of weeks now. Yes, it is that part of the year when the Very Important Persons in the tennis world wage gladiatorial games on the blood-drenched courts of clay. Welcome to the French Open 2010! A battlefield where each of the soldiers is made to kiss the clay, irrespective of whether it is by victory or defeat – how French(ie)! So you would ask what’s the big deal about it, right? To which I say, there are 2 very important reasons for my affinity with the French Open. One, it is the only tennis Grand Slam played on a clay court. Being relatively slow (with special stress on the word ‘relatively’), watching matches on the clay court somehow irrationally gives me a feeling that one fine day I could be rubbing shoulders with those tennis greats. Two, I just love everything French... It’s such a ‘no-holds-barred’ attitude towards everything. I just love..., hey wait, LOVE – that’s the word I was looking for!
For the benefit of those of you who fall into the BPL (Below Poverty Line) in terms of tennis knowledge, let me share a couple of nuggets. Needless to say, the sum total of my insights about this game would be just about enough to land me as the captain of the BPL team, at the best! Well, like they say, forewarned is forearmed. Anyway, ATP is comprised of three major groups. First, there is men’s tennis. Then there is women’s tennis. And then there are the William sisters! Now don’t you dare laugh it off because one hit from either of their WWE-worthy arms and the kid seven generations after you, would be born with a crooked nose!(who says that only Fevicol can transcend death?) The future of women’s wrestling is on the tennis court! Sorry, I lost track as I was picturizing them. At the open end of the hemline on the micro-mini skirt, to be precise. My sincere apologies! Of course, of late, there is a fourth group that is threatening to create a cult status in the tennis world – a group that blurs the line(s) between the first and second groups. For once, I would like to partly blame the French for their contribution to this emerging group. So much for gender equality!
Coming to men’s tennis, simply put there are two groups of players. First, there are those who have lost at least once to Roger Federer and never felt bad about it! Second, those who haven’t! One direct conclusion would be that the latter haven’t played Federer ever! Otherwise, I believe even one specimen from the second group hasn’t been conceived yet! Let’s shift our focus to women’s tennis now. This is a phrase that spells doom, simply because it contains that exalted creation of God – Women! If God were to give me one chance to forgive him for anything, without a second thought, in Michael Jackson style, I would say “This is it!” Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not trying to rub charcoal and blacken their species. The question is “of what use is rubbing charcoal on tar?”
For the benefit of those of you who fall into the BPL (Below Poverty Line) in terms of tennis knowledge, let me share a couple of nuggets. Needless to say, the sum total of my insights about this game would be just about enough to land me as the captain of the BPL team, at the best! Well, like they say, forewarned is forearmed. Anyway, ATP is comprised of three major groups. First, there is men’s tennis. Then there is women’s tennis. And then there are the William sisters! Now don’t you dare laugh it off because one hit from either of their WWE-worthy arms and the kid seven generations after you, would be born with a crooked nose!(who says that only Fevicol can transcend death?) The future of women’s wrestling is on the tennis court! Sorry, I lost track as I was picturizing them. At the open end of the hemline on the micro-mini skirt, to be precise. My sincere apologies! Of course, of late, there is a fourth group that is threatening to create a cult status in the tennis world – a group that blurs the line(s) between the first and second groups. For once, I would like to partly blame the French for their contribution to this emerging group. So much for gender equality!
Coming to men’s tennis, simply put there are two groups of players. First, there are those who have lost at least once to Roger Federer and never felt bad about it! Second, those who haven’t! One direct conclusion would be that the latter haven’t played Federer ever! Otherwise, I believe even one specimen from the second group hasn’t been conceived yet! Let’s shift our focus to women’s tennis now. This is a phrase that spells doom, simply because it contains that exalted creation of God – Women! If God were to give me one chance to forgive him for anything, without a second thought, in Michael Jackson style, I would say “This is it!” Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not trying to rub charcoal and blacken their species. The question is “of what use is rubbing charcoal on tar?”
@All the lovely women reading this – “Please do not get the drift!” and
@ All the not-so-lovely women reading this – “Who gives a damn anyway!”:)
OK, lost again! Women, God! Coming back, women tennis players, much like their male counterparts, fall into two clean categories. First, those whose worst nightmares distinctly involve at least one of the William sisters! Second, those of them who do not sleep at all! I know some of you, in spite of not being professional women tennis players, still fall into that first category. Worry not, you could totally blame visual media for it... Of course, there are a few other interesting insights about the women players. For some unfathomable reason, much like the “did egg come first or the hen come first?” puzzle, I haven’t been able to solve the “did she become model first or was she a tennis player first?” syndrome. In fact, I have this Cold War with Russia because I hold them accountable for this dilemma of mine. Ever since USSR broke up, they have been shamelessly converting naturally-athletic bodies like mine into popcorn-chewing couch potatoes, gaping at women’s’ tennis matches on the TV sets, at the prime time in their lives! Not to take away the fact that for millions of lonely individuals, matches such as these, for whatever reason, added the only noteworthy purpose to their lives. Oh boy, how I envy those cameramen! Now, let’s talk about the third category of ATP players. In fact, just like the rest, there are two kinds of Williams. First, it is Serena Williams! Second, it is Venus Williams! No questions asked. It’s been this way since... World War II did you say?
Finally, coming to the emerging fourth group, the lesser I speak about them, the safer I would be. In this world of GLBT, freedom of speech has lost the race to the freedom of choice. So before things get murky, let’s move on. Guess this brief monologue about tennis should do. Coming back to French Open 2010! What finally transpired during the tournament was the kind of thing that has become the norm in men’s tennis these days. Federer leaves prematurely; Federer fans vehemently declare the French Open worthless; Anti-Federer fans fanatically celebrate his loss and start making Nostradamus-like-predictions that his descent has finally begun and doomsday is near; Nadal reaches the final and wins it; Nadal fans (read Anti-Federer) zealously declare the arrival of the present/future of tennis! Continue in loop. Of course, there was a time when if it was a grand slam, it was FedEx who picked the trophy (I know both Federer fans and anti-fans would be glaring, for different reasons though!)
Next, women’s tennis (only after the exit of William sisters it qualifies to be called thus) has its own favourites through the tournament who finally fail to win, every single time! Then there are those much talked about matches where past success (currently active models sporting Nike/Adidas accessories) meets budding talent (sponsored by Lotto or some such company). Eventually, exactly contrary to the predictions of the ‘trade pundits’, some till-then-not-popular girl goes on to win the tournament! On these rare occasions when two relatively unknown faces make it to the finals of a Grand Slam, I feel inspired by the cricketing cliché that could be repackaged as “It was a day when the game of tennis won!” And now those of you wondering as to how the William sisters failed to make it to the centre stage, here’s your consolation! Because they failed to qualify in the singles they had to remind us of their presence through doubles. And remind they did by winning the doubles championship! As simple as that. Sabse aage, always!
PS: Why don’t Rupa Frontline folks get the William sisters to do a jingle for them? Could turn out to be a much-needed moral boost to their grossly despicable ideas! Finger crossed though.
OK, lost again! Women, God! Coming back, women tennis players, much like their male counterparts, fall into two clean categories. First, those whose worst nightmares distinctly involve at least one of the William sisters! Second, those of them who do not sleep at all! I know some of you, in spite of not being professional women tennis players, still fall into that first category. Worry not, you could totally blame visual media for it... Of course, there are a few other interesting insights about the women players. For some unfathomable reason, much like the “did egg come first or the hen come first?” puzzle, I haven’t been able to solve the “did she become model first or was she a tennis player first?” syndrome. In fact, I have this Cold War with Russia because I hold them accountable for this dilemma of mine. Ever since USSR broke up, they have been shamelessly converting naturally-athletic bodies like mine into popcorn-chewing couch potatoes, gaping at women’s’ tennis matches on the TV sets, at the prime time in their lives! Not to take away the fact that for millions of lonely individuals, matches such as these, for whatever reason, added the only noteworthy purpose to their lives. Oh boy, how I envy those cameramen! Now, let’s talk about the third category of ATP players. In fact, just like the rest, there are two kinds of Williams. First, it is Serena Williams! Second, it is Venus Williams! No questions asked. It’s been this way since... World War II did you say?
Finally, coming to the emerging fourth group, the lesser I speak about them, the safer I would be. In this world of GLBT, freedom of speech has lost the race to the freedom of choice. So before things get murky, let’s move on. Guess this brief monologue about tennis should do. Coming back to French Open 2010! What finally transpired during the tournament was the kind of thing that has become the norm in men’s tennis these days. Federer leaves prematurely; Federer fans vehemently declare the French Open worthless; Anti-Federer fans fanatically celebrate his loss and start making Nostradamus-like-predictions that his descent has finally begun and doomsday is near; Nadal reaches the final and wins it; Nadal fans (read Anti-Federer) zealously declare the arrival of the present/future of tennis! Continue in loop. Of course, there was a time when if it was a grand slam, it was FedEx who picked the trophy (I know both Federer fans and anti-fans would be glaring, for different reasons though!)
Next, women’s tennis (only after the exit of William sisters it qualifies to be called thus) has its own favourites through the tournament who finally fail to win, every single time! Then there are those much talked about matches where past success (currently active models sporting Nike/Adidas accessories) meets budding talent (sponsored by Lotto or some such company). Eventually, exactly contrary to the predictions of the ‘trade pundits’, some till-then-not-popular girl goes on to win the tournament! On these rare occasions when two relatively unknown faces make it to the finals of a Grand Slam, I feel inspired by the cricketing cliché that could be repackaged as “It was a day when the game of tennis won!” And now those of you wondering as to how the William sisters failed to make it to the centre stage, here’s your consolation! Because they failed to qualify in the singles they had to remind us of their presence through doubles. And remind they did by winning the doubles championship! As simple as that. Sabse aage, always!
PS: Why don’t Rupa Frontline folks get the William sisters to do a jingle for them? Could turn out to be a much-needed moral boost to their grossly despicable ideas! Finger crossed though.
